The Hardest Thing

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The hardest thing about Type 1 diabetes is not checking my blood sugar or administering insulin. Sticking myself is inconvenient rather than painful, and the inconvenience is slowly being cushioned by the comfort of routine.

The hardest thing about Type 1 diabetes is not counting carbs or calculating insulin doses. I’ll  be the first to admit that I’m not the best with math, but I have a calculator. Most food is labeled. I’m getting fairly good at guessing when it’s not. Again, it’s an inconvenience that’s becoming routine.

The hardest thing about Type 1 diabetes is not saying no to dessert. I can eat sweets as long as I accurately count the carbs and give myself the right amount of insulin. I shouldn’t eat sweets often and I don’t, but I haven’t felt deprived because I choose not to eat dessert myself. Diabetes isn’t choosing for me.

The hardest thing about Type 1 diabetes is the emotional burden. It’s the indescribable feeling I get when for 2 seconds I forget that I have diabetes and I almost eat something without dosing for it. It’s the confusion, frustration, or guilt I feel when I check my sugar and I see a number I wasn’t expecting. It’s the stupid desire to be normal that I experience when I see someone eat a doughnut without having to think about carbs, or insulin, or their blood sugar first. It’s the times when I think about how much it costs to take care of me and I feel like a financial burden on the people I love.

I’ll admit that I’ve often made things worse for myself. I’ve had my fair share of pity parties and all they’ve done is kept me focused on me and my problems and left me even more discontent. I’ll also admit that some days my diabetes really isn’t a big deal.

But sometimes, I just want it to stop.

That’s the hardest part. Diabetes doesn’t stop.

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About Nel

As a graduate education student, I've come to the conclusion that teaching requires an addiction to caffeine. My favorite caffeinated beverages are coffee, tea, and diet Coke. And when I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in January 2012, I also came to the conclusion that living requires insulin. I blog about my busy life juggling graduate education courses, a teaching assistantship in my University's English department, and my recent type 1 diabetes diagnosis the The Clumsy Juggler. I do not live in New York City.

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