Worry has a way of hiding in the back corners of your mind behind the busy thoughts of the day. You don’t think you’re worried until your mind is clear again, and then, there it is in a cluster of “what ifs” or in a stressful dream.
I guess that’s the only explanation for the dream I had the other night. I had changed my site early in the evening and my blood sugar was a little on the high side when I checked it before bed. I gave myself a dose of insulin with my pump and set my alarm for 3:00 am; if my blood sugar was still high, I thought, then I would change the site in case my cannula was bent.
I shouldn’t have bothered. My blood sugar was high at 3:00 am, but not terribly so at 160 mg/dl and I was very tired. I decided to go back to sleep and change my site in the morning. I wasn’t particularly concerned, although I was annoyed. That should have been that.
But worry invaded my sleep and I dreamed that because I didn’t change my site, my blood sugar skyrocketed to an impossibly high 1,000 mg/dl. When I woke up an hour and a half later I changed my site, unwilling to endure another stress dream. I lost little more than half an hour of sleep that night, yet in the morning I was exhausted.
Where does the worry come from? Why does it haunt me when I need rest the most?
The worry is simply a flock of tiny fears masking the bigger one at the heart of my struggle with diabetes: What if I don’t get what I need?
Tight blood sugar management greatly reduces my risk of developing the scary complications of diabetes; tight blood sugar management also requires a lot of stuff: insulin, test strips, pump, pump supplies, time, energy, education, money, money, money.
And always at the back of my mind, the nagging fear Will I have enough?
One Saturday a few weeks back, I stumbled on a small, secluded clearing back campus during a walk. I laid in the grass and looked up at the birds perched in the tree tops. As I watched them, a verse I was memorizing popped into my head:
“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” (Matthew 6:26)
Look at the birds. God gives them what they need. He’ll give you what you need too. You will have enough.